​First all-female Managing Board proves disastrous

After just two months, we’ve realized women simply don’t belong in journalism

The Cavalier Daily made history this year by electing its first all-female Managing Board. With any luck, we will also serve as the paper’s last all-female Managing Board.

The mistakes the women of this paper have made could have, at first, been attributed to the learning curve associated with transitioning. But enough time has passed that our menstrual cycles have matched up, and it is honestly a shit show.

Once a month the office is simply a war zone. There are days one might characterize as a “perfect storm,” with some of us in tears, others in too much pain to edit and our editor-in-chief so full of feminine outrage that she once broke down the door to her office.

We have also seen the content of this paper deteriorate to tabloid-esque articles — we hesitate even to call what we publish “news.” As one might expect with such an emotional group, we have been careful not to let fact checking define the narrative in any given piece — and because of that, we’ve stopped fact checking altogether. Except for our articles about Taylor Swift and her cat Olivia Benson, who we really can’t get enough of!

Though we are proud of our top stories this month — “Traumarama: my crush saw me naked!” and “101 cuticles we can’t get over” — we feel our news coverage has been lagging overall. In fact, the functioning of the paper itself is at its all-time worst. When writers ask for extensions, we can’t look at them and tell them no — that kind of cruelty just isn’t in our DNA. If a production editor needs to take the day off, how could we possibly chastise him? Especially when he looks at us with those big blue eyes.

And no matter what we’re doing, our constant crying is a major distraction. We cry when things don’t pan out; we cry when we’ve done a good job; we cry during our daily meetings. We just can’t seem to stop crying!

The immense amount of estrogen also seems to be affecting the few men who do work on our paper. While their presence and the testosterone they add should counteract our hysteria, it turns out our hysteria is so powerful that we can’t just rely on the presence of a few men. We truly need male leadership.

We sincerely apologize — something women are good at! — for even believing we could pull this off given our obvious shortcomings. We didn’t want to believe it — we truly thought we were qualified for our positions — but now we know women just aren’t up for the task.

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