Dr. Arthur Simon’s Log
2.08.2016
9:38 a.m.
Today was my first session with a new patient named Cupid. I entered the therapy room promptly at 9 a.m. to find a winged baby sitting on my couch, sobbing quietly into the Honesty Quilt. I immediately realized I had forgotten to wash Richard Pilker’s urine off of the Honesty Quilt after he had revealed to me his paralyzing fear of old, Portuguese women the afternoon before. After making the mistake of speaking to the apparent child with coos, wild hand gestures and general “baby talk,” Cupid began thrashing about the room, his wings knocking my posters of Freud and Frasier off of the walls. He calmed after around five minutes. Transcript below.
AS: I want to apologize for any offense I caused. I thought you were a lost child.
Cupid: Lost in a therapist’s office, doc? You think someone left their kid in a freakin’ therapist’s office at nine in the morning?
AS: Well I hadn’t realized I’d scheduled an appointment with the Cupid.
Cupid: Yeah, yeah — I’m the Cupid. Can I smoke in here?
AS: Of course. Let’s start with that little incident.
Cupid: Oh, that? Yeah, a guy tends to get a bit upset when every single person he meets talks to him like a baby. And I’m under a lot of stress right now — it’s my busy season.
AS: Interesting. And how do you cope with that stress? Do you have any productive outlets?
Cupid: Well I’m changing my diaper every two hours, I’ll tell ya that. Who’s got time for outlets when you’re in charge of making people fall in love all over the freakin’ world? I don’t have time to catch my breath.
AS: Do you think that could be because of the smoking?
Cupid: No, it’s not because of the freakin’ smoking. It’s because little Annie Weathers is about to fall in love for the first time in Essex at 1:00 today, and then Chauncy Fellows is about to meet his future fifth wife in Manhattan at 1:05. Oh, and then it’s over to the Valdes Peninsula by 1:07 where two Magellanic penguins will become enraptured with each other.
AS: You… you deal with penguin love too?
Cupid: They mate for life! It’s BEAUTIFUL.
AS: I think I’m beginning to see the problem here. Here, I want you to get under the Honesty Quilt.
Cupid: This thing smells like piss.
AS: Put it on. Now you, Cupid, are responsible for making so many people fall in love all over the globe. But when’s the last time you were in love?
Cupid: Me? Oh, I fall in love every freakin’ day of my life. But no one wants to bang a 2200-year-old man with a baby’s body. Besides, I’m…. I’m…
AS: Go on. You’re what?
Cupid: I’m impotent! There, now you get it. I gotta freakin’ stab myself with one of my arrows just to get it up.
AS: I think the problem might be that you’re equating love with physical pleasure. If you begin to…
Cupid: …Oh, hold on Doc. Just got an emergency message. Someone named Lilly Simon is about to fall in love with some semi-professional athlete down at the train station.
AS: Lilly Simon? That’s my wife!
Cupid: I have to go!
AS: Get back here! Come back here you sonofa —
Cupid flew out the window before I could catch him. The session ended at 9:33 a.m., and I began this transcription at 9:38 a.m.. I suspect my marriage will end somewhere between 9:45 a.m. and 9:53 a.m. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Nicholas Gibiser is a Humor writer.
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