Will someone please slap some sense into the women in my family? I've given up -- they just won't listen to me.
Arranged marriages are making a comeback in 2006, and I'm trying to keep the Parsley girls on the cutting edge. But if none of them call dibs on one of my friends before we peace out in May, I worry that each and every one may be stuck with having to find a husband on her own.
My mom has tried that before, more than once -- and she's living proof that the third time really is a charm. I'm glad that I was born and all, but the fact remains: Louise Parsley is lucky that the gamble paid off.
I refuse to sit by idly as my sisters and cousins allow history to repeat itself -- the risk that one of them might plant an uncool-in-law into the Parsley Patch is not one that I'm willing to take.
This is the rest of my life we're talking about, after all.
History has given arranged marriages a bad rap, and for good reason: Choosing a woman's spouse on her behalf is clearly a recipe for disaster if politics and money are the only two ingredients in the batter.
Finding a scratch golfer who likes the Astros and can quote "Seinfeld"... now that arrangement would make for a perfectly good wedding cake.
Just ask my dad to tell you about the golden opportunity he came across in 1972, when he met his good Virginia buddy Tom McNearney -- this is what inspired me to play matchmaker in the first place.
Do arranged marriages work? Take a look at Uncle Tom and Aunt Sharon's Christmas card, and then you tell me.
If four healthy, vivacious children, a nice house in suburban Dallas and a cute dog named Brownie isn't enough proof, I don't know what it is exactly that what you want in life.
Their oldest daughter Katie, who happens to be a fourth year at Virginia, obviously doesn't know what she wants in life, either. She's had an opportunity of her own sitting on the table for three years, but for some reason, tries to deny that there's anything golden about it.
In Katie's case, it wouldn't be such a bad thing if history did happen to repeat itself.
Her dad, Tom, was a tall, lanky, funny out-of-stater who met his wife through a buddy from his first-year hall named Bob Parsley.
It just so happens that I, too, have a good friend who is a tall, lanky, funny out-of-stater from my first-year hall.
His name is also Tom.
If you're Katie, how is this NOT a flashing red sign of what is meant to be?
I've been pushing the Katie Kuklinski Project for years, only to be told "No" by both of the parties involved each time it is brought up. But for as much resistance as I've encountered, I do find it interesting that Katie hasn't thrown away my 13-part numbered list of why it needs to happen.
Not only has she not thrown it away, she's got it thumb-tacked in the middle of her bulletin board.
Some parts of the list are anachronistic by now, but the main themes of "Why Katie Should Date Tom: By Bayless Parsley" ring just as true today as they did two years ago:
1) He's "not Unattractive." -- Katie
2) He's funny.
3) He's extremely accepting. (TRUE)
4) He's CATHOLIC.* (*this was underlined four times)
5) He can dunk. (genetics for kids)
6) He is a tall, funny, goofy friend from my first-year hall. (just like your dad was to my dad)
7) Your kids will be double legacies to U.Va.
8) He is smart.
9) He is hard-working. (Little John's)
10) He is a source of free subs. (Little John's)
11) He is frugal, which means more $ to spend on you.
12) Will make in-law activities more fun for Bayless.
13) Weird? INTERESTING!* (*underlined)
But beggars can't be choosers -- I'm aware of the saying.
That's why I've also offered this opportunity to Katie's little sister Allison, a second-year Virginia student.
Another "No."
How about my big sister Elizabeth, who graduated from U.Va. last year?
"No, Bayless. I'm not marrying your friends, for the last time."
Garland, my beloved little sister?
"Gross! I'm only 15, Bayless!"
Women -- they can be so selfish sometimes.
Bayless' column runs biweekly on Thursdays. He can be reached at bayless@cavalierdaily.com.
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