Jagshemash! Aren't familiar with my greeting? Then you desperately need to get yourself to a movie theater or at least log on to YouTube. Here's a hint -- you're looking for something that rhymes with "more-at" and starts with a "b."
Unfortunately, this column is not actually about the new "Borat" movie, but rather a different kind of phenomena that has swept colleges everywhere. (If you're still reading this column after I said it's not going to be about "Borat," I applaud and thank you.)
I'm talking about gossip. The college grapevine, at times, can make trashy celebrity magazines blush. What amazes me the most is the stealth and deliberation with which some rumors are spread. Think people haven't heard about any of your juicy secrets? Think again. That snickering you hear whenever you walk by your friends isn't just a figment of your imagination.
I found out recently just how bad it can be. People who you barely even know might have heard second or third-hand private stories about you. Others will piece together fragments of what they've observed or heard and then use their imagination to fill in the gaps and pass this on as the truth. All this can go on for months before you hear anything about it.
Equally surprising to how rampantly gossip can spread is how it can be twisted. "Joe got a D in physics" easily becomes "Joe failed physics." "Jane thinks Jeff is cute" gives you "Jane is secretly in love with Jeff." "John always sleeps with socks on" leads to "John has herpes." Astounding.
Don't know how there can be so much gossip at college? Do you think you're not part of the problem? Then take this short quiz (and be honest). If a friend agrees to tell you a secret on the condition that you "absolutely don't tell ANYONE else about it," do you interpret that as meaning:
A) Don't tell anyone means don't tell anyone. You're going to the grave with this secret.
B) Just don't tell any mutual acquaintances, but third parties like friends at other colleges are still OK.
C) Basically, you can tell anyone you want as long as you make them promise to absolutely not tell ANYONE else about it, especially not the person who told you the secret.
D) Your friend is just asking you not to tell anyone as a formality. Of course you aren't actually expected to keep this a secret. Too bad Facebook got rid of that mass messaging feature ...
If you answered A and genuinely have kept every secret you were ever told, I applaud and thank you (that's twice now, good work). More likely, though, you're one of the other three. At least that means I don't feel so bad about that rumor that you kissed your cousin when you were 12.
At least there has to be a reason why so many people gossip, right? Well, I did research on the subject and came up with some interesting results. I first read on Wikipedia that gossip is a sin in Judaism and is considered the equivalent of eating your dead brother's flesh in Islam. Christianity, on the other hand, has no such objections. I guess Jesus didn't know how to keep a secret. Be careful what you tell him if you pray or else all the other deities will hear about it by the next day.
Aside from the obvious fact that gossip can be deliciously entertaining, some theories on why people gossip suggest that it serves to reinforce moral standards and create accountability within a community. To some extent, I understand how that can be true. Knowing about other people's embarrassing/dirty secrets gives perspective on your own. Also, if somebody does something wrong and it's kept a secret, it seems like they're getting away with it. If everyone knows about it, at least they're getting just punishment.
I don't believe gossip is the answer to these problems, however. Breaking people's trust and twisting the facts is not justified. I do think people should be more open with each other and be willing to discuss things more freely. When there are rumors about me, I would prefer that people ask me directly about it so they can hear my story first hand. It's worse to think there might be rumors floating around about me that I don't know about.
So remember, next time you're tempted to gossip, think, "What would Jesus do?" Then, do the opposite. Chenqui.
Daniel's column runs bi-weekly on Wednesdays. He can be reached at mcnally@cavalierdaily.com.
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