We all have that one friend in our friend group. You know, the “funny one.” And by “funny one,” I mean the one that calls themselves funny but has the humor of Amy Schumer. You know who I’m talking about. That one.
We all love that friend down to the bone, but when it comes to it, they couldn’t even make Michael Jackson go “hehe.” Their jokes are something like what you would see on a Facebook mom’s profile page. You know what I’m talking about. The jokes that are written in a comic sans font beside a picture of one of Gru’s minions, usually either Kevin or Dave. Those ones. Ironically hilarious when millennials post them, tragically depressing when your 19-year-old friend knows them all by heart. But to make the whole ordeal so much sweeter, absolutely no one in your friend group has the heart to tell your friend that their jokes make people wanna cry, not laugh. Waa waa, not haa haa. The people they talk to either leave confused or with trauma.
But at least they try. You just look at them and you can see the few gears they have in their head turning, and a little bit of steam coming out of their ears. Sometimes there is a little spark when they’ve thought too hard and have to give up. But most of the time they are at least able to remember a joke someone else told and just retell that again. Ah, yes, I love hearing “deez nuts” jokes at 8 a.m. while everyone is trying to enjoy their breakfast. Nothing boosts the appetite more. And, for some reason, when they retell one of your jokes, it just ruins it. Like when you dip your French fry in ketchup the first time and it's all right but then you go in for the double-dip and everybody just ends up not wanting ketchup at all. Yeah, it's like that.
However, there are moments when I cannot seem to stand this friend, and that is when they actively claim that they are the funniest member of the group. Like, excuse me? I’m standing right here. The Witty Wahoo. The President of Jokes, Gym Rye Anne. The Quip Queen. I cannot stand it when people come for my throne. Especially people who are still trying to figure out why the chicken crossed the road. How amateur. I taught the chicken to drive. The chicken is crossing the road in her new convertible. Knock knock? Who's there? It’s the chicken. I even taught her to politely announce herself at somebody's home. The “funny friend” is out there saying “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad,” while I’m out here saying “Hi Hungary, I’m Austria.” We are not on the same level.
Now I know many will find me to be egotistical, but can you really blame me when I am — how do I put this? Ah yes, hilarious. Maybe even hysterical — but I don’t know, that may be a bit too much. No, never mind, it's never too much. Maybe it is not enough. But, moving on. I am the epitome of comedy. I’m so funny that people laugh so hard they cry when they hear my jokes. Okay, maybe there are more tears than actual laughter, but that’s not important. When I do stand-up, people are hollering things along the lines of “Use Uck” and “Rally Brad.” Not quite sure what those things mean, but they sound good to me.
Anyway, if there is one thing we know about the “funny” friend, it's that they will always think they’re funny, no matter what. But don’t worry, real comedians, such as myself, will do absolutely everything in our power to shine through and be the saving grace of the conversation. You're welcome in advance.
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