Summer break has ended, we’re back in the oppressive September Charlottesville heat and syllabus week is over. The fall semester has begun, and we’re not the same people we were last year. Some of us may have changed aesthetics — from grunge to VSCO girl or from cottage core to what your mom calls “an emo.” Others may have changed majors — from premed to Business or from English to Economics and then back to English because you realized the economy is going to crash anyway so who cares if you will make no money?
Lastly, there are those who ended the semester as Luke Skywalker, but then were recruited to the dark side at the beach in June when they were tanning and two imbecile kids decided to put Hot Cheetos on their back spelling out “no regerts” and then they had to spend the rest of their vacation in shirts. Not that I’ve ever experienced that. But anyway, these individuals are probably returning to Grounds in their villain era. As someone a part of this group — due to a non-Cheeto-related incident — I think that I should share some of my advice on how someone experiencing their villain era can go about expressing themselves at the University.
So, without further ado, here are some of my starter schemes for those going through their villain era on campus —
- First and foremost, language is key. As you can see in the sentence above, I said campus instead of Grounds. Quite scandalous, I know. But words matter. That is why along with the word campus, freshman, sophomore, junior and senior should be added to your everyday vocabulary. If someone asks if you are a first-year student, simply say no and tell them you're a freshman. If someone asks if you are staying on Grounds, say “I am always on the ground.” What you have to watch out for, however, is the people who pretend like they don’t care about you mixing up your lingo. You know, the ones that carry on the conversation like nothing happened but are secretly seething on the inside from your misuse of verbiage. Yeah, those ones. In this case, it is vital that you keep repeating the forbidden words with zest so that your target knows that you know you are getting to them.
- Next, you target one of the most frequented places on campus — the Starbucks in Newcomb Hall. Here’s the plan. You order exactly 13 — unlucky numbers are your friends here — drinks from Starbucks right before rush hour. Then you watch as the hope drains from the eyes of students late to their classes as one after another, every order that is called out belongs to you and not them.
- Though novice villains probably think that skipping class will give them a diabolical rep, they fail to understand that actually attending class can be more villainous than the former. Here’s what you have to do — take lecture classes. Why? Because then you can sit at the very front of the giant auditorium and either play solitaire, online shop or even, if you are evil enough, watch a Mr. Beast video. This way, not only are you not paying attention to your professor, but you are actively distracting the endless rows of students behind you. Who can pay attention to memorizing trigonometric functions when Mr. Beast is jumping a car over several school buses?
- Ride an electric scooter. Not only will you make the people walking to class sad because they are already late and have a ways to go while you are zooming by at supersonic speed, but you will also be able to disobey all traffic laws without facing serious consequences. Are you a pedestrian, bicyclist or motorist? Who knows! Nobody puts baby in a corner. The laws do not apply to you — allegedly. And when you have reached your destination, simply park your scooter in the middle of the sidewalk, or, if you dare, the middle of the road. What's more villainous than that?
And with those simple starter schemes, I am sure you will be able to make the most of your villain era while on campus. No matter if you're a freshman, sophomore, junior or senior, I believe in you. And with that, I have a Starbucks drink to order.
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