Always ahead of its time, the University has become the first public university in the country to switch its semester-based grading system into a marketplace of GPA dollars. One’s place in the graduating class will be decided by these dollars, with the richest understandably finishing at the top of the class. The move was catalyzed by complaints from the Alumni Association, claiming the School of Commerce’s exorbitantly high tuition “does not disproportionately benefit students of higher socioeconomic backgrounds enough.”
The new system, which will take effect in the spring of 2024, provides students with GPA dollars corresponding to their GPA multiplied by their credit total. Commerce students must earn 51 GPA dollars per semester to remain program-eligible, equivalent to a 3.4 GPA on 15 credits.
Students can supplement their studies and support U.Va. directly through Cavalier Advantage by purchasing GPA dollars at a rate of $2,500 for every 1 GPD. Accepted forms of payment include wire transfers, securities exchanges, real estate, cash, card and bitcoin. Financial aid is not applicable.
“With this change, we can truly ensure that a student’s academic performance is closely tied to their parents’ wealth,” Flanny Flannigan, the Alumni Director of Uniformity, said. “The richest students can finally afford to be the best students again.”
The funds received from the policy change will be donated to charitable causes such as Flannigan’s Fiestas, an organization that provides cocktail parties to suburban mothers in need of a drink.
“I think the system is more than brilliant,” Flannigan said. “It’s about time the University did something charitable for those in need.”
Even with the system’s “genius,” as Flannigan describes it, many have their reservations.
“I think the system is great but I have some concerns with where the funds are going,” Kenza Washington, an alumna, said. “Flanny is getting all this money and yet still hasn’t sent me a wedding gift even though last Christmas I got her a present without her asking. It really makes you question people’s intentions and morals.”
Ms. Washington’s sentiment was mirrored by many other interviewed members of Washington’s equestrian club. Unrelatedly, in a tape recorded by a Domino’s driver, Mrs. Flannigan is heard saying “gossipy divorced cheaters don’t deserve wedding gifts.”
Washington and Flannigan have filed defamation suits against each other.
Others have had more logistical gripes with the program.
“There are so many confusing multifaceted aspects that must be clarified by the EOD!” alumnus Morgan Goldman said. “Is trade-ability baked in? Will this move the needle for post-grad earnings? Can this be our silver bullet? Will it trim the fat and herd the cats for McIntire?”
In step with journalistic integrity, it must be noted that Goldman’s interview was much more extensive. However, his mentions of “running it up the flagpole,” “jumping the shark,” “boiling the ocean” and other business jargon were deemed too incomprehensible to include in this piece.
Commerce students have taken an ethical offense with the initiative — which is quite unusual for business people.
“I used to have a 3.7 GPA, and I don’t know how many GPA dollars that is, but I worked really hard for it. Does that mean other people can pay to do better than me? I hate it here,” third-year Commerce student Ezekiel Preston said.
The Cavalier Daily asked Flannigan for comment regarding Preston’s situation. Her secretary answered the phone, stating that she was “no longer allowed to talk to the press or pizza delivery drivers.”
U.Va.’s Office of Unaffordability did not respond to our paper’s request for comment.
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