Editor’s note: This article is a humor column.
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While Virginia football and basketball have seen skyrocketing success over this past year, another University program has garnered little attention despite its omnipresence on Grounds — U.Va. Dine. Whether you’re talking about its quality or the very texture of its menu items, it is undeniable that U.Va. Dine has a strange consistency to it, and it’s high time that the student body give the contours of this program some dedicated attention.
Thus, for the first time ever, The Cavalier Daily will follow the arrivals and departures of U.Va. Dine’s menu items during this summer offseason. We sent the Sports desk’s hungriest editorialists into the University’s various dining halls and meal exchange locations to cover these monumental changes. While their reporting is impeccably accurate, we can’t quite get them to quit their secret sports lingo, so you’re just going to have to bear with us and trust that any mention of portals isn’t foreshadowing for the next Minecraft movie.
June 1: Ms. Kathy — portal entry
After 24 years of service and love, Newcomb Dining Hall’s friendliest face is entering the transfer portal. Kathy McGruder told this reporter that she is considering other Atlantic Coast Conference dining halls.
“They say I ‘revolutionized swiping into the dining hall,’ so it’s about time I started capitalizing on that and banking some NIL money,” Ms. Kathy said. “I hear Durham is lovely this time of year.”
June 2: Ms. Kathy — recommitment
After 24 hours of fear and uncertainty, Kathy McGruder has reassured the University community and recommitted to Newcomb Dining Hall.
“I was just kidding, baby! I would never leave you all,” Ms. Kathy said.
June 19: The Strange Newcomb Substance That Isn’t Quite Ice Cream — portal entry
Virginia’s famous goop is going portaling. The strange Newcomb substance that isn’t quite ice cream, which earned Third Meal All-ACC honors this year, could be gone. The substance fueled the Cavaliers and tied with Runk shakes in 2025 for the University’s Viscous Fluid of the Year award.
June 30: The Good Chicken Sandwiches — returner
A perennial summer favorite, the chicken sandwiches that are actually good have reappeared in Newcomb Hall just in time for orientation. Suspiciously similar to the sandwiches served in the shuttered Chick-Fil-A a floor below, this chicken offering is seldom seen by students during the school year — it is a mere coincidence that the auspicious arrival of these tendies corresponds with the only time all year that more than a handful of parents eat in a dining hall. June is simply when the chickens are ripe … there are no ulterior motives!
July 8: The Observatory Hill Granola — commitment (to all of the other trays)
The Observatory Hill granola is back on the menu this summer … and back on all of the other food trays on the self-service bar, too. While there are not as many granola-eating gerbil students around during the summer, there are still enough to scatter the stuff all over the yogurt and the apple sauce and the cream cheese and so on and so forth. You may even find it in your green, glowingly unripe banana!
July 29: Every Milk Machine — departure
Following the bi-yearly refill of the dining hall milk machines this past April, all of the U.Va. Dine milk machines have run out of their nectar once more. A few 2 percent milk dispensers held out until now, but this was only because they were spoiled yet not spoiled enough to warrant immediate concern. Just enough to have that sour tang to ‘em.
Aug. 7: The Gas — commitment
As the Prophecy foretold, the Mysterious Gas has arrived in Observatory Hill!
The Gas cannot be avoided.
The Gas cannot be bargained with.
Bon appetit, first years!
Aug. 7: The Gas — departure
In defiance of the Prophecy, the Mysterious Gas has been reduced to nothing.
We know not the consequences of this insolence!
Aug. 10: The Good Chicken Sandwiches — departure
As orientation winds down and the Class of 2030 moves in, the Newcomb chicken sandwiches have flown the coop once again. Could it be Chick-Fil-A crowding out the Newcomb chicken market? Could it be U.Va. Dine’s punishment for banishing the Gas? We may never truly know.
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