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(05/24/21 6:42pm)
I don’t know if it’s the pandemic or a newfound sense of emotional maturity, but there’s been a serious lack of drama in my life as of late. To fill that gaping void, I’ve found myself perusing the U.Va. Parent Network Facebook page more and more frequently, and let me tell you, it is chock full of good stuff.
(12/24/20 10:50pm)
While most of us spent middle school battling underarm sweat and bacne, a select few walked those hallowed halls with a confidence only the hottest Aeropostale t-shirts and an entire can of Axe body spray can bestow. Those kids are the Kids Who Peaked in Middle School.
(09/24/20 4:56pm)
If you think U.Va. is doing a sh—tty job of containing COVID, you’d be correct! No, but seriously, they’re using wastewater testing to identify potential outbreaks, which means there’s someone out there who literally has the sh—ttiiest job of all time.
(04/28/20 5:53am)
Since we’re all too afraid of being made a social pariah, we’re staying home and being bored out of our minds. This is particularly hard for U.Va. students since we are, at heart, those annoying kids who remind the teacher we have homework due and require constant external validation to be able to sleep at night. To ease your suffering, I’ve compiled a list of activities to keep you feeling entertained and productive, despite the danger of a global pandemic looming over our heads. You’re welcome.
(03/10/20 7:34pm)
It’s March, which means we are almost at the “windmill stage” of Peter’s season of “The Bachelor.” At this point, the premise of the show has shifted from “Who will the lead fall in love with?” to “Which contestant can rack up the most Instagram followers and #SponCon by the season finale?” Well, this year the claims of “She’s not here for the right reasons” have expanded all the way onto TikTok. Although the contestants have been criticized for being jailbait, they are practically boomers compared to the average TikTok-er. Although their Instagram games are strong, their TikToks are definitely hit or miss. Not to worry, though. I’ve taken it upon myself to round up the TikToks of all the girls I can find and ranking them from best to worst.
(02/01/20 5:45pm)
What’s trendier than Golden Goose sneakers and going keto? Second Amendment sanctuary cities. It seems like every day a new Facebook page pops up encouraging citizens to strap on their AR-15, march to city hall and demand that their representatives protect their right to shoot...things? Criminals? I’m not really sure. Honestly though, the Second Amendment is so last season. We have more pressing issues to deal with. After months of vicious attacks from Charlottesville City Council, Lime has left Charlottesville! Our right to scooter is officially under attack!
(01/02/20 1:30am)
Dear University Parking and Transportation,
(11/21/19 2:57am)
It’s finally November here in Charlottesville, and we all know what that means. Students crowd together in libraries before finals like chickens in a factory farm awaiting slaughter, first-years walk a mile to frats in freezing cold weather without jackets (it’ll ruin the ‘fit) and nobody has used hand sanitizer since their mom stopped stuffing it in their backpack. These factors combine to create the ideal conditions for the most sinister of all diseases to flourish — the first-year plague.
(11/04/19 4:35am)
Dear Katie,
(10/11/19 6:50pm)
Ladies and gentlemen of the University — and those baby boomer alumni who love to read, and hate on, Cav Daily articles — welcome to the first annual Jeffy’s — a U.Va. award show in print. Each category is selected by me and each winner is selected by me, too, because this is my article, and I’ll do whatever I gosh darn please. Without further ado, here are this year’s victors.
(07/12/19 12:18pm)
For once in my life, a family member gave me decent advice. Instead of telling me to “never go to class in sweats” or “just major in business,” my cousin told me, “Don’t graduate early.” I tossed his words around like Nicki Minaj tosses salad, then quickly concurred. I don’t want to graduate early. Heck, I don’t want to graduate at all. I am now, officially, the first member of the class of 2067.
(04/11/19 12:59am)
For decades, U.Va. students have been wondering why they were rejected from their intended majors despite stellar GPAs, meaningful extracurriculars and a lifetime of previous success. Well rejects, rejoice. The conspiracy has been uncovered. Olivia Jade is coming to Charlottesville, and she took your spot in Comm School.
(02/24/19 10:42pm)
If there is one thing the University wastes too much of our tuition on, it’s the upkeep of the Rotunda. I get it, the Rotunda is “architecturally beautiful” and a “UNESCO world heritage site,” but listen — I don’t give a yeet. With its central location, it really should be serving a more useful purpose than it is. Like seriously, it’s a whole building dedicated to approximately two classes and historical tours for old people. Therefore, I’ve compiled some ideas for its imminent replacement.
(12/05/18 4:34am)
Dear Juulian,
(10/25/18 4:05am)
Dear Mom,
(08/28/18 2:47am)
As part of his plan to make U.Va. hip with the kids, University President James E. Ryan has approved a proposal to issue fake IDs to all future students, starting with the Class of 2022. Supporters of this plan believe it will help raise enrollment numbers in the coming years.
(04/26/18 5:52am)
It’s that time of year again! The gym is filled with people who haven’t been there since New Year’s Day. The ads on my Instagram feed are entirely comprised of super tan women with abs more defined than my future. The salad bar is constantly out of lettuce, and not just because there’s an FDA recall of romaine... It’s ~summer body~ season.
(04/18/18 6:28pm)
Every time I’m assigned a paper, they seem to come with the same caveat: They must be written in size 12 Times New Roman double spaced. Each time I’m faced with this stipulation, I groan internally. Times New Roman is so basic, so uncool. I like to think that I am neither basic nor uncool. If only I could carry my personality into my font choice. In my ideal world, I would be allowed to write in the obviously superior font, Courier New.
(03/21/18 5:29am)
There I was, sitting around the dining room table at family dinner. My relatives had already bombarded me with the usual questions about my major and distasteful comments about my ripped jeans. There was only one topic left, and I could almost smell their curiosity wafting around the room.
(10/19/17 5:30am)
As the weather turns colder and the leaves turn orangier, students all across Grounds may be thinking about dumping that long-distance summer fling from back home. Well, they’re in luck because we’ve compiled a list of ways to do it without emotionally scarring them too much. Thank me later.